It’s been exactly 3 months since the last time I wrote something. 3 long slow months. It’s so much easier to write when you’re travelling or living in another country, so many new people and new experiences. But living in my home town, working in a burrito bar.. It’s easy to feel like you’re going backwards sometimes. And even easier to feel like their are no lessons to learn in doing so. But there are things to be learnt and discover in every single part of life if you are willing to see them. So for the sake of my own sanity these are 3 things I have learnt in the last 3 months.
Sometimes you have to relearn lessons
I argue too much and listen too little. The amount of times I have heard this in my life is frankly bordering on ridiculous now. It’s not that I don’t believe the people who say it or that I don’t see it for myself because I do but unfortunately just because you understand it, it doesn’t mean you understand how to change it. One thing I have always struggled with is untangling my flaws from my good traits. For example I don’t know how to still be confident and independent and efficient without being pedantic and over bearing. It’s something I work on almost every single moment of my life and most of the time I don’t succeed. It’s a lesson I’ve been learning for 21 years and yet some days feel nowhere closer to achieving it. But the important thing is that I recognise it is a lesson I am still learning. The important thing is that I do want to change and improve.
Burning bridges is always detrimental
I don’t know how many times I’ve said, Heard people say or thought “it’s okay cause I’m leaving anyways or I’ll never see this person again”. While this may seem true at the time, often you will have to cross the same bridges again and I have been humbled by the amount of times this has happened in the last year. It is much easier to maintain a steady relationship than to build a broken bridge. Thankfully the people in my life I have encountered seem to have an endless amount of grace but as a close friend reminded me it is also important to give yourself this grace. Moving on and mending relationships requires first the grace for you to forgive yourself and the mistakes you’ve made. To allow yourself to be forgiven inadvertently gives you the permission you need to grow and change.
Perspective is everything
Over the past few months I have noticed my health anxiety creeping back into my life. This is not overly surprising to me really. As soon as I stop moving in life either physically or emotionally I have always felt my anxiety more acutely. What I have learnt though is that perspective is everything. Health anxiety is not a nice feeling and I do not enjoy it but I have come to understand my anxiety is not my problem but rather a symptom. The times when it increases is when I’m stressed or not dealing with a problem that’s been rattling around inside my head. It forces me to stop because it paralyses me which in turn gives me the time to process my thoughts and whats not going well in my life at that time. Also constantly feeling like your dying or about to die, while terrifying, is actually a great way to live. Steve jobs once said “you’re already naked, theirs no reason not to follow your heart” (I think) and he was right! Yes I might not die today but I am dying. So are you. Being forced to deal with this reality forces me to live. My anxiety has never changed but my perspective on it is consistently changing. Sometimes that makes all the difference.
So yeah, Belfast is great as it always has been. And maybe I am in some ways going backwards but maybe that isn’t a bad thing. Maybe it’s the universe giving me a second chance to make amends with my relationships, my past and myself.
ps. I’m having some GREAT ADVENTURES aswell.
My brothers surprise party
London training with Camp America
This is breathing 