For most of my life I have considered strength as holding it together. Being resilient. Showing as little emotion as possible, dealing with things alone. Not something I necessarily ever achieved (ever) (ever ever) but definitely what I was striving for. In my mind that’s what bravery looked like.
I recently started Bikram Yoga, the art of practicing yoga in 100 degrees heat for 90 minute intervals. For those who know me or have seen me dance I am a gawky, unyielding person (in more ways that one), so you can imagine how far from graceful I look. Something like me with a bright red face and a muffin top trying to touch my toes while I sweat from my finger tips and ears and places I didn’t even know could sweat. The other day as I was doing precisely this, our instructor said “vulnerability is strength”.
Vulnerability is strength.
I couldn’t shake it. It was so far from my idea of strength. Two seemingly conflicting ideals and yet, something about it just made sense.
For those of you who used to read my old blog you’ll know anxiety used to kick my ass every.single.fucking.day. Everyday my family would watch me fall to pieces at the dinner table or my friends would hold me as I screamed in my sleep. It was killing me from the inside out. But everyday I got up and brushed my teeth or went to uni I refused to give up. Everyday I searched for the “cure” in meditation or counselling or reading or writing, I refused to give in. It was in those moments of my life that I was at my strongest, whether I felt it then or not.
My word for the summer is Vulnerability.
To remind myself that it’s okay to just, not be okay. It’s okay to need help. It’s okay not to know who you are or like who you are, you definitely aren’t alone. It’s okay to be nervous without your Iphone or your beauty products or whatever other crutch you’ve given yourself. It’s okay to say I love you first, even if you never hear it back. It’s okay to get hurt. It’s okay to let down your guard and be embarrassed. (I’ve even heard it’s character building) It’s okay to trust again and again, even when people keep letting you down. It’s okay to fall in love again and again, even if all you get back, is your own heart. It’s okay to tear down the walls you’ve spent 21 years building, the only person you’re ever really shutting out, is yourself.
Yesterday as I lay gasping for air dripping with sweat or tears or both I could have swore for the tiniest second I felt my fingertips touch the top of my toes. Some hope that as my body yields and changes and grows through it’s weakness, maybe so will I.
I have no pictures which relate to this post but look how cute these kids are that I spent every day with! They’ve taught me more than anyone about how to be vulnerable.
All my love,
Maeve
This is breathing 